Themes 15 (or What Humidity Does to My Dreams or I Have Yet to Install My AC)

The following are glimpses into my dream journal from the summer of 2009:

 

• Punk rock music, critters, and illegal fireworks
• Snoopy and the mutants
• Murder, Mazatlan, and whales
• Hypochondria and Mahler

 

Punk rock music, critters, and illegal fireworks — The Sex Pistols (without Johnny Rotten) were performing at the high school.  I tried to get close to the stage, but the characters from Woodland Critter Christmas, spread out on fake snow, were taking up the front row.  I wanted to steal one as a memento.  A man with a cherubic face who stood next to me had two sparklers that he held up to the stage, like one would a lighter during a ballad – he reached out his hand to offer me one and I tried to take both. He said, come on, Canadians are not like that.  (Analysis:  Watching Filth and the Fury and South Park over Fourth of July weekend – not sure about the rest)

 

Snoopy and the mutants — I was at a children’s toy store and I was dressed up as Snoopy.  There was another Snoopy there as well — my costume was way bigger (like nine feet tall as opposed to his wimpy five feet) but I was still angry.  Before I left I took a picture of the live bear in the store – it was lounging very flatly by the kids and the plethora of colorful toys, including my toy boat.  Then I was in a car driving by the big white swamp.  Several mutant animals lumbering around in slow motion — a half rhino/half whale, a half serpent/half cheetah.  I took more pictures.  When my alarm went off I thought, while still in that hazy moment before you’re really awake, that there might be a way to get the pictures into my digital camera.  (Analysis: I recently visited the hunt and game store where there were bizarre taxidermied animals and far too many children.  The Snoopy part is easy to analyze – I always think of Snoopy.)

 

Murder, Mazatlan, and whales — Though somewhat horrified by my actions, I knew it was my duty as a superhero to stab the bad guys.  I was in a fancy hotel with gold lined the ceiling and walls, but it had tacky Las Vegas carpet, which threw off the vibe.  I was fleeing after the murder, sometimes with the characters from Sex and the City, sometimes alone.  The men from Oceans 11 (only the cute ones) were after us.  We made it to the plane just in the nick of time, and up up we flew, over Mazatlan.  I felt safe.  But then the plane started to descend, and doom descended over us – no way out!   We were escorted off the plane and led down a plank to the ocean.  The gunman (no longer from Oceans 11) motioned for us to jump into shallow water, to clean our feet they said.  As I jumped I remembered I knew how to float in the air (superhero) – I rose up and then over, out of their grasp, but not out of range of the weapons.  I dove into the water like a dolphin, dodging bullets as I swam away.  The paparazzi and crowd gasped.  I navigated to a secret bunker where I was re-introduced to the whale that I had learned to ride at some point.  (Analysis:  Not a clue, but perhaps this could be a storyline for Anomalie Jones, Chairman Kung Pow, and Eva Catron – please see tab at top of blog for more information.)

 

Hypochondria and Mahler — Found written on rogue piece of dream journal paper under my bed:  Swine flu-te (Analysis: Too much media sensationalism during opera season.)

Still Life With Herzog

I’ve created a sketch of my cat Herzog, as she appears in 100% humidity with no AC.

New England - July

Themes 37 (not really it’s only like 14 but if I didn’t suck at blogging it would be 37)

• add extension cord to magic massager
• “i always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams”
• peace conference on hold indefinitely
• jesus christ super star and flying cats
• turkeys
• falling into a hole after breakfast
• snow angels
• report phishing
• report not phishing

Add extension cord to magic massager – that was my goal for May.  Check.

“I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams” – a quote from Butters on South Park (he’s my favorite)

Peace conference on hold indefinitely – this was my favorite headline (not in a happy way of course) from March

Jesus Christ Superstar and flying cats – when my roommate sang Jesus Christ Superstar in the living room my cat was able to fly.  Swear it.

Turkeys – wild turkeys, displaced from their tiny woods near where I work because of new construction, have taken to attacking cars.  They travel in gangs and run you off the road — one staring at you through the driver’s window, one pecking at your tire, and one standing in front of the car daring you to drive forward.  All you can do is scream until they get distracted by another car.  Really, I felt much safer walking to work in the Tenderloin.  You can see crack addicts coming and they don’t move very fast.  Turkeys are unpredictable and freaky in the worst way.

Falling into a hole after breakfast – after breakfast in Maine I fell into a hole.  Apparently it was there, but I did not see it.  Instead of helping, my friends chose to point and laugh.

Report phishing/Report not phishing – there were two choices on the web site.  I chose not to report phishing or to not report phishing.  Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t really know what phishing is, so I don’t really know if I’d want to report it (or not).

Snow angels – in January while walking home I was feeling rather childlike, and I decided to make a snow angel.  The snow was 10 days old, and it had rained a little, so not the best conditions, but I still had fun.  Please see results below.

Snow Angel!

Hot Air Balloons and Syria

I refresh the blog in honor of Terry’s Hot Air Balloon Trip to Syria (heretofore to be known as THABTTS).  Currently he is having martinis in the Castro.  But in 10 hours he will be boarding a hot air balloon with six men — who happen to be gay – in Syria.  And together they will float.

I will keep you all apprised.

Many kisses and waves,

Mary.

Themes 14.5 — Short themes this time I am sleepy and out of practice.

• From an instructional work email
• Noirish and industrial
• Walk to work, circa 2005
• Tooth fairy

From an instructional work email — If the local KLAM/BLAM is unable to resolve the issue, he/she should contact another KLAM or BLAM to determine if the problem has already been reported.

Noirish and industrial – I am watching Greg the Bunny. For those not in the know, it’s 10 minute remakes of movies, with most of the characters played by puppets (it appears on IFC). My favorite is the Eraserhead episode. Greg comes inside and says, “It’s really noirish and industrial outside.” That makes me laugh every time. I suggest you all rent it and encourage your friends to rent it. Be forewarned, the Eraserhead remake might be even more disturbing than the original. Count Blah is brilliant as well, blah!

Walk to work, circa 2005 – The setting: the Great Wall of Pee on Golden Gate near Gough at 8:30am (I called it that because it always smelled like pee). Though the sun cast a nice light on the wall in the early hours, I think it heated up the piss and made the smell worse (for every positive there is at least one negative). Scattered around the sidewalk were porn magazine pages ripped to bits– someone had obviously gone to a lot of trouble to rip so much and scatter so widely. Yet… one page remained completely intact. It featured a larger than life photo of a giant erect penis. I wanted to take a picture to add it to my Tenderloin Logue, but the Great Wall of Pee is not the best place to draw attention to one’s self.

Tooth fairy – When I awoke the other morning, there was a quarter on the pillow. For a split second I thought of checking to ensure all my teeth were in place, but I did not, realizing how pathetic that would seem (on a number of levels).

COMING SOON!!! THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF ANOMALIE JONES AND HER KICKASS SIDEKICKS…. In their first adventure they battle for good against a giant ponzi monster and his relentless turkey minions.

October 25, 2001

Jim,

I’m sick and on the couch watching a Michael Flatley documentary. Right now he’s playing Irish flute to a rock beat while surrounded by babes who are doing a traditional Irish dance in tight black leather. He is now lamenting about his art very seriously, and he is wearing a headband, wristband, and tight red and black outfit. In the clips he keeps pointing and tapping without irony, and what the hell is this doing on NPR? I know one person who likes Michael Flatley. Reason #23809 why I do no belong in these parts.

How are you? I now present you with my latest weekend wrap-up!! On Friday we went to the hippie college town nearby so Emerson could by pot (yes, Jimmy, marijuana). After the illegal drug transaction, we went to our favorite bar. There, a slight woman wearing a tiara (not a typical hippie trait, I think she was just eccentric) gave me a candy necklace (maybe she was at a rave and got lost?). She said it was because she liked me a lot, she knew it because she just knew (that part could have been hippie but also rather rave-like. Toss up).

Before bed at our friend’s house we participated in pot, pill, and booze infused diatribes until the wee hours. We conversed mostly about, well, pot, pills, and booze, but I also talked a bit about you, my new found old friend! I told one of my favorite stories from home, which is popular in these parts where the separation of church and state is actually recognized.

Were you in Geology class with Mr. Mulligan? I’m sure he led your after school bible study. So, as the story goes, I took Mr. Mulligan’s geology class because I did not like chemistry, I needed a science credit, and I heard geology was an easy alternative.

He was young and charismatic and all was going fine until one day he took a break from teaching about rocks and how old they were – millions of years – to teach us about the bible. He talked about how funny it was that god created the earth to seem like it was millions of years old, but it was obviously only ten thousand years or whatever number, since that’s what it said in the bible.

Mr. Mulligan kept a bible propped up with a book-end next to his Geology textbook (and yes I capitalized Geology and not god). So god did this rocks-appearing-to-be-real-old thing on purpose to test people’s faith, kind of like he did with Job in the Old Testament.

My lab partner, Gertrude, came to class every day with her bible. Her bible was covered in a quilted fabric, very similar to the skirts she wore (how does one become frumpy at age 15?). Oh and how she clutched the bible and smiled when Mr. Mulligan talked about god. She raised her hand politely, but with confidence, and asked Mr. Mulligan during our bible lesson how he could teach a subject that he didn’t believe was a real science. He said good question Gertrude, and then something about wanting to teach it, but from his own perspective, so people wouldn’t really think that the rocks were millions of years old, even though they were, but only because god made them that way. We went to a public school, Jimmy. Public school!

People always say, ‘No way dude, that’s like so totally fucked. Isn’t that, like, illegal?’ (Try to imagine someone saying that after eight hours of pot, pills, and booze, if you can.) Yes, Jimmy is it illegal! What do you have to say for Mr. Mulligan!?!? Criminal!

Anyhow, all and all the night was fun and I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. My candy necklace disintegrated in the shower in the morning, which was sad.

All right, it’s back to my date with Mr. Flatley. I can’t wait to hear from you!

Pen pals 4ever!

Jane.

Themes Number 13 (the most evil number of themes)

xerzzel at a dance party

• Severed heads
• Virginia Woolf
• Exploding toilets
• Jesus fish
• Bear poems
• Pee routine
• Yes
• Political theorists and nuts

• Friends

 

Severed heads - My very favorite Facebook update ever: Xerzzel Uln’Xeresy joined the group Severed Heads. (Note to Xerzzel: this is a compliment don’t get mad!)

Virginia Woolf – I watched Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf the other night. Puts the fun in dysfunctional! My favorite drunken line, slurred perfectly by Richard Burton, “There’s probably an irony in there someplace but I’m not drunk enough to figure out what it is.”

Exploding toilets – There was trauma this morning at the household. Above the toilet there is a cabinet. While trying to find something in the back without disturbing anything in the front, a small avalanche of items fell. Somehow, one of these items gained enough momentum (perhaps it built up speed while ricocheting) that when it hit the toilet it managed to break a HOLE in it. Not in the tank, but in the back flat part on which the tank sits. I decided to ignore it since I’m moving soon. But then later when the toilet was flushed, water spewed violently upwards, like a geyser, and then mostly directly back down, back into the toilet. I screamed. Zoggy ran around with her ears in alert mode. I called the Super and then left for work. When I returned there was grey silly putty shoved into the hole. I’m moving soon and am trying to ignore it.

Jesus fish – There is a tiny jesus fish on my orange juice container, which I did not notice at the store. Damn Trader Joe’s, I’m losing faith in you! I’m a staunch believer in separation of church and food, but since I like to retaliate, I will soon be introducing juices with tiny pentagrams and distributing them to the Piggly Wiggly and other stores popular in the bible belt.

Bear poems – This is part of a poem about bears I was composing in my head between snooze alarms, “The bear ate the guy with blonde hair, and there was lots blood everywhere”. I wrote down that part, but unfortunately none of the rest of it, and now it’s gone. I remember everything had to rhyme with bear. There were at least 25 lines. Ah ha, but that is a haiku in and of itself!!! Look!

The bear ate the guy
With blonde hair and there was lots
Of blood everywhere

Pee routine – When I wake up and have to pee, I carefully remove the cat from me, as not to wake her. But on the way to the bathroom, she is on the floor and I trip over her. When washing my hands she is in the sink and I run water over her. On the way back to the bed, she jumps out from a corner and I accidentally bunt her. When getting back into bed, she is there too and I sit on her.

Yes – I woke up at 3am delirious with fever (I have a cold). I had been having a dream. In it a horse was falling down a gravel hill. It had fear in its eyes and I felt sorry for it. Right before this, the singer of Yes had jumped off it. He stood at the top of the hill, watching the fall. I stayed awake for a while, thinking about this.

Political theorists and nuts – On the flight from Los Angeles to Boston I scribbled something in a notebook about Hannah Arendt and peanuts. Actually all it said was ‘Arendt peanuts’. What I vaguely remember was reading about Hannah Arendt in the New Yorker and wanting peanuts (damned flights give you nothing these days!).

Friends – I saw an old friend a few years ago. We went to a bar where he proceeded to drink wine like a fucking fish. I was newly single and noticing that I was finding it difficult to make friends with men without there being some ulterior motive, especially after a few drinks. This was not the case for me when I was younger. I told him about my dilemma. He listened, and then grabbed my ass.

bay to breakers

bay to breakers

Originally uploaded by suprmary

i will be blogging lots in no time. i have been given a blogging ultimatum that i can’t ignore.

anywho’s, i hear at bay to breakers this year there will be no nudity (right) and no floats (bullcrap) allowed. that’s what bay to breakers IS. i am armchair protesting from boston…. from my armchair i will be nude and engulfed in a tiki float serving mai tais to myself and my cat. please, join my protest.

power to the people. fight fight.

Rapture

rapture

Originally uploaded by suprmary

This pertains to the last post. For his sake, I hope he’s not wearing lingerie when it happens.

Amen.

25 things – Jimmy Kincaid*

*Please note, Jimmy did not write these. But I’m sure he likes to participate in harmless chainmail type stuff.  So I am taking the liberty to complete it for him.

Rules:
Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1) Jesus Christ has been my personal savior since I was in 2^nd grade.  Before then I was a lost soul.  Thank God the rapture didn’t happen before 1981.

2) My favorite colors are blue and Jesus blood red.

3) I live ½ mile from where I grew up and I love my family more than anything (except God).  The KIN in Kincaid is for Kinship.  Amen.

4) I think the rapture will be neat (at least for me and my family and church congregation).

5) I’ve been reading up on whether or not my dog and fish can be saved and raptured along with me.

6) I like to garden and have named some of my plants and I do not think that makes me a pagan despite what anyone says.

7) God once talked to me once when I was on the toilet (it was strange timing but God can do what he wants) – he said he was proud of me and that I shouldn’t worry about people calling me a pagan.

8 ) I hope one day I will be able to speak in tongues.

9) I’ve seen Passion of the Christ at least 25 times.

10) I couldn’t pronounce Deuteronomy until I was ten.  The kids in Sunday school found this very amusing.

11) I stretch every morning to loosen up, but it is definitely not yoga.  I’m pretty sure that yoga has ties to the occult. 

12) I pray in the shower, but not while touching certain parts.

13) The number 13 is evil.

14) I think people that think snow angels are real angels really should go to church more.

15) Palin and Huckabee 2012!!

16) I went to San Francisco once with my church group.  It is where lost souls go to cavort.  The tribulation will certainly teach them a lesson.

17) When I was a kid this passage used to give me nightmares: “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”  I don’t like creeping things.  I’m glad we have dominion over them.

18 ) I think if there are in fact aliens, Satan created them to distract us from God.

19) I have two bumper stickers, one says ‘In case of rapture this car will be unmanned’ and the other says ‘Got Jesus?’ (a funny take off on the Got Milk ads).

20) My favorite meal is King David’s Lamb Delight.  At home I only eat God’s approved food (those which appear in the bible).  I joke that I’m very thankful salt was mentioned in Leviticus 2:13 because I like to put salt on everything.

21) Sometimes our church group goes to Applebees or Olive Garden for dinner.  We pray over the food heavily before eating, asking that any bad ingredients be blessed.

22) I thank God for www.godweb.com.  Finally an unbiased news and information source.

23) The thought of getting left behind gives me bad dreams and then makes me want to become an even better, better person in God’s eyes.

24) I love humor.  Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark???  Because Noah was standing on the deck! LOL

25) I don’t write letters to people who are beyond saving.  Preacher Dan said there are some lost souls you just have to leave to their evil ways.

God bless!

Jimmy Kincaid